挑一张耶诞卡写上满满祝福的话
地址写的是心底, 你能不能收到它?
天有点冷, 风有点大, 城市宁静而喧哗
这一个冬天我得一个人走回家

问自己习惯了吗?
没有你每到夜里回声变得好大
有没有什么好方法让寂寞更听话?
你最近还好吗?
是不是也在思念里挣扎?
你说会记得我... 还记得吗?

你最近还好吗?
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗?
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快乐出发

有再多的牵挂都已没有权利表达!
旧情人给的问候比陌生人还尴尬!
昨天远了, 明天还长, 回忆模糊但巨大!
这样的深夜眼泪要怎样不流下?

他居然说想我多过想她？
一个两年已久的恋情，甚至到了谈婚论嫁的地步会这么容易就忘记了吗？
太扯了...
有如当初的情景，唯独这次不同在于我没作任何傻事...

就算是如此，我也看到了原来要让他忘记一段恋情会有多容易...
我知道自己从不是什么特别的人...
所以，不想再一头栽进去然后又痛又苦...
好不容易，我已经能自己站起来...
不想再失去身命的平衡感！

“爱情”是一个我会付出一切的危险投资。
这次要我投资的话，除非对方拿出比我更多的爱，或者我决定认定他是我的真名天子...
否则，龟壳我是藏定了！

对不起...
我开始对他感到害怕了...

这个 blog 似乎死了好久...
我也改变了不少...
应该没人会看了吧?
我也好久没让身边的人知道有它的存在...

一个礼拜前, 我还在为一个没有未来的人独自心痛.
一个礼拜后, 我活过来了... 也开始不在乎了.
感谢一个陪了我整个礼拜的人...
看电影，喝咖啡，吃饭，读书... 连烟都抽同一牌的！没想到我们会有这么多的共同点。
从喜欢的饮料倒喜欢的活动和喜欢的好多好多习惯，好像看到了男装版本的我！
但是他也让我了解，原来我还是习惯了。
好多时候，我宁愿自己是独自一人打电动或在享受饮料。
他的过于关心变成了一种压迫感，我觉得好怕，不想再陷入另一种困境。

那个朋友会大老远听我饿得懒得出门吃而跑来接我？ BEDOK 耶！还不只一次...
每天早上起来就看都搞笑的简讯...
整天陪我玩信息游戏...
每天都说很喜欢看到我...
睡了一半忽然醒来说忘了跟我说 “晚安”？
天啊！
这是一般朋友会做的事吗？
太扯了吧？

可是还是不可能，不想作替代品。
口中说不是，也没用。
我只想一个人静一静。
我只会如他所说，把你当普通朋友，停止这些...

窗外的天气
就像是 你多变的表情
下雨了 雨陪我哭泣
看不清 我也不想看清

离开你 我安靜的抽离
不忍揭晓的劇情
我的泪流在心里
学会放弃

听雨的声音 一滴滴清新
你的呼吸 像雨滴献入我的爱里
真希望雨能下不停

让想念继续 让爱变透明
我愛上給我勇氣的 "你"

窗外的雨滴 一滴滴累積
屋內的湿氣 像储存愛你的记忆
真希望雨能下不停

雨爱的秘密 能一直延续
我相信我將会看到 彩虹的美丽

冷冷的空氣
很仔細 我無法呼吸
一万顆 雨滴的距离
很徹底 让爱消失無息

找不到人说心里的寂寞
找不到人都怕变得沉默
找不到命中注定在一起的人以后
很多人都笑我
一个人过生活

爱
只有简单笔画
却比想象复杂
很安定爱变化
我爱过几个人
也被爱过几遍
却还是没能将幸福留下

爱
是不可输的吗
为何我还相信
他不是不欣赏
我在等一个人
在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行别害怕

用不完身边泛滥的自由
还是怕孤单是一种诅咒
羡慕我能飞的人为何在天黑以后
还是宁愿回到
爱情那个枷锁

我在等一个人
在等我的 永恒
告诉我爱不单行相信他...

Sigh. I dislike distrust I guess. Especially when people accuse you of something you didn't do and ask you to admit to it. Which I did. Even though I've never done it. I simply felt too worn out to fight over it and admitted it. If it makes him "happy". To think he even said "I dunno what you doing and I don't care". You just asked me to admit to the act and you're saying you dunno what I'm doing. WOW...

Then today at work. Some senior from another shift totally put me down. He actually told others jokingly that if they're not sure what's going on with their work just send as mine. Juniors are expected to be fucked up anyway. I was livid. I may not be the best. But I'm quite sure I'm better than some of the fucked up seniors. At least I'm willing to learn and I've better grasp at whatever I'm learning faster than some of them! Urgh. Irritated.

This is the worst day since 2010 started.

Then an ex-collegue of mine was saying I haven't been adherring to the advices I've given him previously. Well... It's the typical stereotype version of "easier said than done" as you can see. I obviously don't look as emotional as my MSN nicks/facebook status. If I do then I'll look like the walking undead and probably be forced to take leave to stablize myself before work. I can still manage la. Geez. I still wanna be the sunshine in others' life. Although mine is a quiet rain throughout.

窗外的天气
就像是 你多变的表情
下雨了
雨陪我哭泣
看不清
我也不想看清
离开你 我安静的抽离
不忍揭晓的剧情
我的泪流在心里
学会放弃

听雨的声音
一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸象雨滴渗入我的爱里
真希望雨能下不停
让想念继续
让爱变透明
我爱上给我勇气的 Rainie love

久违的雨滴
一滴滴累积
屋内的湿气象储存爱你的记忆
真希望雨能下不停
雨爱的秘密
能一直延续
我相信 我将会看到
彩虹的美丽

如何让你遇见我...
在这最美丽的时刻？

为着
我已在驻前求了 500 年
求祂让我们结一段尘缘
驻于是把我化作一棵树
长在你必经的路旁
阳光下；慎重的开满了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望
当你走近；请你细听
那颤抖的叶；是我等待的热情
而当你终于无视地走过
在你身后落了一地的...
朋友阿；那不是花瓣
是我凋零的心

Recently I read 2 new books. They aren't exactly self-help or one of those sappy romantic novels I usually read. Much to my dismay, it was actually a biography of how 2 women who came from troubled childhood finally stood up for themselves and made a difference in their lives and to others around them.

First was "Scarred".
I guess if I had read this book 6 months ago, I might've ended up self-harming like she did and didn't bother to read on. But the story captivated me. I couldn't exactly relate to this author except to despise men like the way she did. The fear and lack of self-worth was alarming and she was every bit lucky to have survived every suicide attempt she had ever carried out on herself.

How her dad who was supposedly the first person on Earth who ever showed her love and concern turned out to be psychopath who continuously raped her and even allowed other men to rape her! Not only did he rape her, he was mentally torturing her by making her think he's the only person she can trust, on top of physically abusing her by inserting objects such as knives and broken bottles just so he could watch her bleed while having an intercourse with her. While kids her age are suppose to be worrying about school, melodramas of life and common puppy love issues, she was tormented beyond cure. I was furious with that men and if I could ever meet such a person, I would've rained punches on his face and made sure he can never so much as erect for the rest of his life.

All those abuse took a toll on her and she felt that she was only good for sex. Hence the lack of self-worth and she would just let the motion carry on and on as and when strangers approached her for it. It was almost revolting to even think men could sink so low.

Thankfully the institution she was sent to did help her a lot and she in turned helped other young women walked out of their sex abusers. But I still felt that the author should've prosecuted her father. Sometimes being too nice and loving so unconditionally can be irrational. Perhaps it would've killed her to know that her dad would be put away in prison because of her, but still, I hated to think that he made her think he was the only person she could trust and love. That mind-manipulating bastard.

Second was "Runaway".
This was about a girl who had to run away a lot because her stepfather and mother hit her a lot. Family violence is quite common in those days and children homes that were set up for them weren't even good. Think: a sexually abused child was sent into such a home only to be continuously led away by her "caretakers" into separate rooms and she simply comes back looking as glassy as ever. Sigh.

But this girl, she was a fighter. One helluva fighter that her determination to survive and street smart ethics really moved me beyond anything I've ever read. Despite all her setbacks and however small she was, age and gender had never played a part in her life and she simply was the best in everything she did. She never let anybody bully her in life and got away with it. Even during the bully, she never cried or wailed to give her bully the satisfaction. She was also a protector of the weak.

Much to my dismay though, I guess women are always vulnerable in terms of strength. She eventually got caught once and was repeatedly raped. But that never dettered her from getting revenge and surviving. Being the one and only female diamond smuggler and with the backing of one of the meanest gangster in Amsterdam, I dunno whether to congratulate her or tell her to get out of it. Think a 14 year old can't survive on the street? I read in awe as she went from countries to countries without a passport of even a ticket. She sailed to France from England and started a new life there.

Her distrust for adults was pretty evident. But when she was a grown woman herself, she took in abandoned babies and took care of them like her own. There was even this part she talked about the tsunami in 2004 where she even tried her best to rescue as many people as she could. With her natural mother instincts, she cared for her 3 adopted children. The damage that the rapes did to her was permenant and she could never have children of her own. But heaven was kind to her.

Her strength, courage and determination really made me snap out of it. How she'd found the supposed love of her life and then her worries caught on and without hesitation, she thought for herself and left. I really admire her ability to cope with so much going on at the same time. She doesn't waste time mopping around and quickly got onto her own 2 feet to earn a living for herself. How she'd returned to society and started giving unwanted children the parental love that the young her was deprived of. I am really really inspired by this woman now. =D


I knew all along that I'm actually a very lucky person and there are lots of other people out there with worse problems than I do and in worse plight than I am. I'm actually enjoying a very good life here so what's the point in lowering myself? OH and 1 more thing...
It just dawned on me that I've grown up and am holding a full-time job. No longer playing around actually. In exactly 6 months time I'm turning 22! Oh gosh... I don't wanna grow old. I don't want so much responsibilities. I don't wanna worry about what those couples are worrying about now... Be it balloting for a flat or awaiting the arrival of a baby. It's as if I'm a little too young to be hearing those topics!

Now let's see...

I've been mopping around for way too long. In actual fact, I can be a bitch. lOl.
It's about time I stop being such a soft-hearted idiot. Nobody would appreciate the nice girl, they'll only remember and wanna tame the bitch. Not to mention being a bitch would actually do me a lot better than being such a nice person and let people walk all over me.

That's it. Screw him.

去年的今天我是快乐的... 但今年不同以往... 可悲现实生活里真的曲折不断, 我都快跟不上拍了.

去年我有人可以为他捏汤圆, 今年却不知道到底昨晚是做对了还是做错了. 如果句续下去, 我有可能会更痛. 但又有某种想待在他身边的笨念头. 就算不是特别的也愿意. 我照样愿意无条件的付出, 只要他回头的时候还记得有个我. 笨吧? 可是我没有, 我选择了逃离那不属于我的怀抱. 那个我只能借一下下停靠的怀抱, 自己其实配不上人家, 而且是个拖油瓶吧? 如果没有我, 他可以更快找到属于自己的另一半, 而不是浪费时间的陪我这个残缺的小女孩玩家家酒. 我对他不该有期望, 因为我没资格. 但当我小小希望破灭时, 难免会有股失望的落寞. 不想加重别人的负担, 所以我自私的把爱强力掩饰, 故作对他没兴趣了. 不是我累了. 是我不愿让他苦恼. 或许他能找到更好的, 或找到一个真的可以什么都不要, 就算他有很多女人倒追也会有信心和自信, 然后就是就算没有名份也能就这样过日子的女人. 我太麻烦了.

我开始觉得讽刺. 爱情这玩意儿我真的不懂, 更不能拥有. 它带来的悲伤和我那坡涛汹涌的活力通常会令我喜欢的人一个头两个大. 或许我真的不够好吧? 连喜欢的人都留不住, 还一个个吓跑. 搞到招惹不认真的人还自己笨笨的险进去. 我真的那么栏吗? 别的不说, 我就真的让人一看就觉得不是能够有能耐收好的女人吗? 比较想玩玩一下, 玩腻了就丢的女人吗?

真的还没长大. 看到身边的人个个拥有自己的另一半, 让人眼红. 没错! 我的确还年轻, 爱情也不是生命力的全部, 但当我尝试到了拥有它的滋味后, 不免有股莫名的悲伤涌上心头. 我开始怀疑爱情不属于我, 爱情是骗人的把戏. 我不需要它.

如果世上真的有巫术和恶魔的存在的话, 我希望能够招唤他们出现. 把我的 emotions 通通封闭. 把我的心也一起锁起来, 不要再让它笨笨的乱跌个没完没了. 就算喜怒哀乐都没了也没关系, 反正一定比现在这具行尸走肉来得好. 哭了一夜, 吃了辣死人的面句续哭个没完. 上班还骗人说看了一夜的爱情小说, 故事感人而哭得细粒瓜拉. 好累...

为什么活着? 站在这里是为了什么? 谁会需要我? 我需要谁? 到底该往哪里走? 未来到底有什么意义?

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